The Angry Magic Duck Brigade

He's angry! He's magic! He's a duck!

Thursday, June 03, 2004

Out and about with A.M. Duck

As should be blindingly obvious, this duck lives in Hell-Ay, so it's both my privilege to see celebrities in their natural habitat, and my solemn duty to report their activities to you. Here's the latest scoop from my adventures in Hollywood. Wreck-O-Nize!

--OC stick figure Mischa Barton attended a Raw Foods Cookery class at the Whole Foods Market in Sherman Oaks on Wednesday. She was seated next to porn star and Mensa member Asia Carrera; the pair were engaged in conversation throughout the class, barely paying attention to Chef Rutger lesson on the tastes and textures of various roots, and left together in The Cokemobile, aka Adam Brody's 1997 Jetta, recognizable by its LUVCOKE vanity plate. Brody, however, was nowhere to be seen, though the scraggly-bearded homeless gentleman waving the "WILL WEAR A T-SHIRT PROMOTING YOUR INDIE BAND ON TV FOR FOOD" sign on the 405 entrance ramp did look awfully familiar.

--I caught Mandy Moore Fan Club President Michael Stipe at the Getty Center on Tuesday, attempting to hang a self-portrait in their "Photographers of Genius" exhibit. When asked why, Stipe replied that he wasn't sure if "Photographers of Genius" meant the photographer or the subject was the genius, so he wanted to cover all his bases.

--Last week I spotted Gwyneth Paltrow and baby Appletini strolling around the La Brea Tar Pit park on Wilshire, accompanied by Thom Yorke and his youngun 01001110, aka Stoli Ohranj. Chris "The Scientist" Martin was conspicuously absent. Yorke was taking the opportunity to teach the children about the wonder of extinction, specifically how no living creature can withstand the crushing forces of time, so you might as well give up trying now.

--Hooty McBoob and Chesty LaRue, aka Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff, were comparing their implants late last Saturday with Twinkle, president of Transgendered Prostitutes and Reality Show Loggers Local 457, at the corner of Santa Monica and Orange. All three agreed that Twinkle's were the best.

--BLIND ITEM! Which smack-junkie rock 'n roll widow/professional crazy person was seen outside the AMC Burbank 16 on Sunday giving a not-entirely-pleasurable-looking blowjob to which recently retired CIA director/upcoming author of The American Paradox: Bush Is the World's Biggest Dick, and Yet Has the World's Smallest Dick in exchange for an AMC gift card which she then used to see which unfunny, racist ogre-themed kid's movie, all while being videotaped by which formerly virginal teen pop star wearing a shirt that said "HAVE I SLEPT WITH YOUR BABYDADDY YET?"

--Traffic on the 101 was backed up for hours last Thursday as Andre 300 and Big Boi waged an epic battle in their ten-story tall MechaPimp warsuits to decide whether Outkast's next single will come from Speakerboxxx or The Love Below. Big Boi lost, but the real losers were the children and staff of St. Mary's Orphanage, which was unfortunately crushed by the giant Timberlands on Big Boi's MechaPimp.

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